Category Archives: Writing

Here and now

Oh my fragile girl
Sweet, sweet girl
Let go and laugh
Your delicate touch
Caressing, comforting and pure
I know you now as I see you there
Beautiful child harm yourself no more

Your mother is here

So cruel and lonely
Those early days, those early years
Encased in steel defences

Weep with me, don’t be afraid

I cradle you now as I do my son
Relax in my arms
So warm and so safe
Oh my beautiful child

Tender, my thoughts are for you
Full of beauty, full of joy
When I see you

A most delicate and precious flower
Preserved so long in your case of fear
Chrysalis of despair dissolves in your warmth

Take flight through the virgin snow
Rhythmic swings
My arms work at last
I have lost my sight but gained the stars
Whose laughter you may know

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Truth

A friend text to say that she was sorry I am going through such a difficult time, but that I seem to be amazingly strong.  It’s tempting to spout stuff about life teaching me resilience and that hard knocks have toughened me up, but the truth is I am racked with pain and sadness.  I feel like I am stuck somewhere between total despair, some sort of spiritual epiphany and rage so hateful that I could lose control and unleash cruelty on anyone who happens to cross my path. 

All that said, the most serious and foreboding indicator is that I had a peanut butter sandwich and a chocolate biscuit for breakfast.

Book reccomendation

Research has presented me with many books over the last two weeks, but until yesterday I have not felt strongly enough about any of them to gesture in their direction.

The Mystery of Things by A. C. Grayling is not one of those books.  It is a masterpiece which goes beyond the boring and predictable outcomes of many. 

With this book I want to shout from rooftops of its merits and rejoice in finding another piece to my puzzle. 

The Mystery of Things is not merely a work of a genius author, it is an invitation to life.

How to become a writer

Apparently there are many ways to skin a cat.  Don’t think about it cus I already did and it’s gross and upsetting for cat owners.  However, it is the sentiment that interests me most, specifically the “many ways” part. 

When I drive to the supermarket there are a few different routes I can take.  Or, to give me greater scope, I can go to a different supermarket or even shop online.  Similarly, when I need to go to London I have options. 

At this moment I have options.  It’s just gone 9pm, I’ve had a busy day and haven’t eaten, but despite the many options open to me I have chosen to write this post.  I want to reach out because I need to communicate and I need to develop.  I need to fulfil this burning need in me to write and make my mark.  I don’t yet know who I am as a writer, it’s very early days.  As this blog is testament, I have barely made the first step. 

Because of this vulnerable state I have, at times, been tempted and seduced by the many “how to write” type articles.  The appeal and seductive promises in the opening gambits are powerful and full of hope.  However, they are tight, full of rules, directions and most destructive for me, “rights and wrongs”.  I can imagine that some of them do work for some people and more of them work for others given time and energy. 

They don’t work for me.  Yet, that won’t stop me.  I am done with shoe-horning (not sure how that translates) myself into systems that don’t fit.  This time it’s all about my rules.

I have banged this post out very quickly and I’m not ashamed of that fact. It could well contain many faults, incomplete discussions and arguments and it will certainly defy the many blogging/writing formulae and guidelines I have encountered.  However, I make no apology.

In order for this blog to transform, for my writing to transform, I need to strike a balance.  Not all of my developmental process can be aired here.  My process is my own.  None of the formulae fit me so I am following my own.  I can’t spend too much time on this blog for risk of neglecting my other projects which I really want to share.  Now I turn to them.

 

Snow-no-show

No, yesterday was not the day for snow.

It was snowing when I woke up today and it snowed long enough to show my son his first sight of it fluttering around the street lamp in the dark.  However, it stopped after 10 minutes and now it’s just wet and miserable with no more snow forecast for the near future.

Momentarily I did consider getting in the car to go snow-chasing as rumour has it there is snow elsewhere in the country.  Then I remembered the chaotic flashbacks of Britain literally coming to a standstill after a few inches of snowfall, considered the effort I would need to go to rounding up supplies and after turning the heating up a notch, I made another cup of tea!

Snow

The snow is coming and I can’t wait.  I absolutely love it.

It’s fair to say that weather is a big deal.  The Brits are sometimes renowned for being obsessed with weather and it is accurate to say that at certain times of year I develop a mild weather-forecast-checking fixation.

Since late October I’ve been scanning the long range forecasts for a suggestion of approaching wintery fronts.  Searching for those elusive commitments to snow on the Met Office website can be like getting a straight answer out of a politician; practically impossible.

Despite this I re-visit day after day and try not to get overly excited about promising statements such as “colder than average conditions favoured” or “some wintery showers possible”.   And we’ve been close so many times, but so far, nothing, not even a flicker of iridescence has floated past my gaze.

But after months of searching for a sign, of constraining my excitement, could this be it?  Can I finally abandon my restrain, let lose my excitement and jump around like a kid who has eaten enough E-numbers to make a waxwork look-alike come to life?

Ruminations of snow are rife in barber shops and hairdressers across the region.  At last it sounds like suggestion is turning a corner.  Can it be that rain and sleet will culminate, will self-actualise from dreary and miserable into serene and magical?

Could today be the day?

Something is going on

Below is the start of something I wrote last week.  I am only able to share this single line because the other 1800ish words need time to settle before I can present what needs to be shown.

“Today I cry tears of joy.  I want to fall to my knees and sob like a child because I have discovered I am not alone.”

This statement is so powerful for me; it literally brings me into touch with a strength that goes far beyond mere physicality.  The day I wrote this I experienced something vast that allowed me to know myself in the context of something else………something I will continue to explore and share when I can.

One other transformational acknowledgement I made that day was that the best of me comes out from the most painful and desolate places.  Solitude has presented me with previously unfound courage.

These are very exciting and scary times for me.